Diary of a 1st-4th Year Student: What Reading?

Monday, Oct. 13

Happy Thanksgiving!

Ugh - I just want a legit break from school stuff. I’m over some of this, and I feel badly. It’s bizarre how different some of my classes are…and I just want to work on the harder ones and ignore the 1st/2nd year ones.

Is it too much to ask for an exception for little old me? If I do well, why do you even need me to do it?

I’m too old for this…and I’m frustrated about feeling like I’m just at the beginning when I know I could be farther along. Why do I have to waste my time doing some of these fundamentals that are 90% common sense? Why can’t there be an “old person” crash course that gives you JUST the essentials? I’d be happy to do a few research papers about what we’re doing in KINE 1000….and I’m already involved in a study that’s making some of research methods particularly redundant right now.

It’s sad because, in theory, I should be easy to win over. I like learning stuff, whether I’ll need it or not - it’s the dumb “proving I was paying attention” multiple choice tests that I have a problem with….

Tuesday, Oct. 14

I kept thinking today was Wednesday. Apparently, it’s only Tuesday, though.

Not much happened today - I finished making my study notes for research methods, and then I went for a walk with my mom and then did family stuff for the rest of the day.

We had dinner at my brother’s place for their first formally hosted dinner! He and his partner just got a new couch and kitchen table, so they’re officially bona fide adults now. We’ve eaten there before, but it’s usually casually around their coffee table, with random chairs. Still nice, but not as adulty.

It’s always a good day when we get to have the whole family together. I seem to keep visiting at the wrong time to get to see much of my brother and his partner. When I visited over the summer, they were gone for most of it. Now, my brother leaves on Thursday for work. This trip was more about visiting grandma, so it was fine with not being as available for them…but it’s always nicer when it works out!

I wish I lived closer to my family sometimes. I just also like living in Toronto…so that’s always an eternal pull. Who knows where I’ll end up going forward.

I don’t know when/if I’ll ever be able to knock the want for finding performance opportunities out of my system. I can look past it a bit now, because I’m injured, and it’s still frustrating to do stuff. But the farther away I am from it, the more I miss it. I still feel like a fraud in this alternate reality, and though I’m also interested in pursuing this part of my interests, I’m aware I’ll eventually have to balance it with other obsessions.

I miss being an obsessive theatre nerd, and I feel like I’m shutting it out daily to focus on “real” things.

Is it too much to ask for everything?

Wednesday, Oct. 15

I survived a day of studying! I’m definitely not as productive when I’m at home, but at least I got through the most important thing, which was studying for the things I have tests on next week. I’m not in perfect shape, but considering both have lots of time still, I’m not worried. I also realized that my one for the first year course might not actually be as hard as I was expecting…apparently the first couple of this type of test is a bit easier, so we can get a feel for what they’re getting at.

Ugh - I wish there was endless time, though. I wish I could do more of just enjoying being home…I don’t like being here and being busy…especially when I could be helping with all the stuff my parents are also busy with. I’m helping a bit, but I always want to do more.

Tomorrow, we’re going in to help my grandma sort through some of the stuff she has, but won’t need. I wonder how frustrating that will be, or if she’ll just resign herself to never leaving the residence. At this point, it seems like she’s decided she’s never leaving the radius unless it’s for doctor’s appointments, but she really doesn’t have to.

It’s interesting because she actually seems like she’s more alert and has more energy than she did when she was trying to survive at home, but she sounds more like she thinks she’s done now, and just seeing how long she’ll last until whatever phase is next.

….if nothing dramatic happens, it could be a while…

Thursday, Oct. 16

Another day, another list of things to do!

Today, we went and helped Grandma sort through a bunch of her extra clothing that she doesn’t need anymore. She actually got rid of quite a few things and was quite willing to! She probably felt empowered being in control of some aspect of this whole move. It also meant I could pretend to inherit some things from her…even though there’s only going to be a subset of those things that I’ll ACTUALLY keep. But she was happy, so that counts!

She was a bit disappointed that that was the last visit, but she got it. I only have a couple of days left, and there’s still more to do.

Even though we were out most of the day, I still managed to get 3 of my research methods labs done…and I’ve completed them for the term, now! Too bad I can’t actually submit them yet…I still have to show up to each lab, so that I can show her and leave.

One of them was particularly dumb. There was a time when it was probably useful, because it’s basically an intro to making a poster on powerpoint…but it’s mostly about learning how to find sources and reference. But it’s a second-year course, so it’s kind of too late. I’ve had to complete numerous posters by now with references, and other projects with citations as well. This one was the ugliest research poster using screenshots “of sources we could use for the poster if we were to actually make it”.

I have NO idea what I learned from that…..

Friday, Oct. 17

I was just going to complain about it being so close to the end of reading week…but apparently it’s also halfway through OCTOBER???? When did that happen???

I feel so bleh about the second half of this term. I wish I could just spend a couple weeks and cram the couple of courses I hate and then just do physiology and my independent study project until the end of the term. I’m so over this.

I tried to study for the two tests I have next week, and it’s so basic, I can barely pay attention to it anymore. I need actionable things to do to actually work on it…but don’t make them DUMB!!!

In an unsurprising non-turn of events, nobody took any initiative and got our group project for IPAL started. I might just do a section of it tomorrow and claim a portion of it now. Whoever thought of adding 6 extra group projects to our degree clearly hasn’t done a group project in a while. Gotta love being the guinea pig year!!!

I’m sure the next year has them, too. I wonder how long it will take them to start updating the course. They can’t pretend there weren’t growing pains last year.

Ugh - I’m going to ballet with my mom tomorrow and I kind of wish I wasn’t. I feel like there’s still so much I want to do on this trip!

At least, even though there is some studying to do, it’s not bad. I have been able to get a bit of “forward” tasks done…like completing all of the labs for this one class I have. I still have to GO to the labs, but I can at least just show up, show my TA my work, and then leave.

Saturday, Oct. 18

Sigh…heading home tomorrow…..I’m not ready.

Well, I’m ready, I guess. I’m just not prepared.

For the chaos.

I’m concerned about the end of November…

…I know it will all be fine….but I just want it to be more than that.

I’m doing too much….

….and I’m kind of over just being stressed all the time and thinking about all the what-ifs and backup plans.

Sunday, Oct. 18

Today was too early…but I made it.

I was the weirdo pacing at the airport trying to wake myself up. I also consumed about 3 teas (2 at home and one at the airport) within about an hour or so.

My bags made it. I made it (even though it was VERY bumpy). I even managed to do a section of my IPAL group project!

Tomorrow is welcome back day with a good-old test to see if I remembered to study over the break.

I’m so tired.

I thought reading break was supposed to help.