Diary of a 1st-4th Year Student: Imperfection is NOT Failure

Tuesday, Sept. 30

Ok, I finally failed at writing for a couple days….but Sunday was Brand Ambassador mess take 2 (which was thankfully less messy than Saturday), and then Monday, I made myself sit down and get through my first draft of a literature review for my independent study project.

I thought about writing this morning and pretending it was yesterday, but I didn’t feel like it…and that’s ok.

I don’t need to do that for this project.

(I may have done it once, actually, but shhhhhhh)

This year, we’re embracing the overwhelm, accepting it, and hoping we create gold.

I’m just so tired of people being stupid….and mean….why are people so awful?

Yesterday, I went to A&W for dinner (go ahead, judge me - I spent all day at the computer, and only went outside for air + a walk once, so I validated ANY choice). The poor guy who was working was the only one there, and he was clearly having an awful night with awful humans. It was really slow, and everyone was mean to him and getting mad at stuff he literally had no control over. I tried to give him a “hope you survive the rest of your shift - you’ve got this!!!” or something at least kind of nice as I left, but someone interrupted, and he wasn’t able to hear what I said anyways. Someone even moved to the counter, crossed his arms, and yelled at him, asking if he needed help.

People are so awful.

Ugh - I want to get back into my physio stuff again so badly! There’s just so much to do this term…how????

Well, I know how…if I didn’t have my independent study, things would feel lighter…I could’ve gotten so much done yesterday! I like that, though - it’s my other 3 ‘easier’ courses that are the problem.

Unfortunately, IPAL went right back to being dumb today. We played a few games and then thought of ideas about how we could adapt them in the case of having _____(insert disability here)____. Apparently, we were supposed to think about how we could adapt for something, and then at the end she described a few devices and supports that are currently used to help. The thing that I don’t understand, though, is what are we supposed to be doing, since we’re neither actually disabled nor have access to available supports to help. Apparently, we’re just supposed to ‘think about what we could do to adapt things’???

I 100% don’t get it.

The wheelchair basketball day was legit useful because it was something we could physically try, and they shared some of the basics of how it works. I learned something, and I tried something.

I don’t know how many times they’re going to tell us ‘think about how you could adapt things’....because it’s a broken record at this point.

Even the course material is basic. One of the revolutionary things they taught us was to not assume things about the person, and instead talk to them and get to know them - they will know best what they need and how they can be helped. I know this is relatively new on the journey of how we incorporate people with disabilities into the world…but I’m not sure if it’s actually new for the people in the class. They didn’t go to school 20 years ago with a gap when all of these concepts started getting more commonplace…they were literally raised with this mentality.

I feel like the only people who might be less atune to it are maybe the people who’ve been highly engrossed in competitive sports…and maybe that’s who they’re trying to cater to?

Or maybe the future generation just isn’t as woke and conscientious as I assume they are….

Oh, and we played badminton today. Someone said they hadn’t played it in years. I realized I would’ve last played it before they were born.

That was fun.

I feel old…

….I feel especially old because I just feel too old for so much of the stupidity that keeps encircling my world….

Wednesday, OCT 1????

Wait - it’s OCTOBER????

I checked to see if it’s just because it’s after midnight…but apparently it’s not even that! It’s been October the whole day!

So….fun fact - I was livid today. Because in our first class, we have a tutorial once a week where we discuss that week’s course concepts and readings…and sort of fit the course content into a broader context. HOWEVER…apparently they decided that we probably didn’t read the readings (which they weren’t wrong about…but that doesn’t mean you should bend to it), so our task was to, as a group, read a section of the article we were supposed to read, and then explain it to the class.

We were supposed to have read the article by Monday.

So basically, in class today, we were assigned a part of the homework we were already expected to have done before Monday…..and then had to do it again…..so we could explain it to the class?

….I literally pulled out my notes I already made on the reading, and found the corresponding part…

To make it better, I explained to the person beside me how to access the document, and then she explained to the person beside her how to open it, too. We have had assigned readings with this class every week since the first week. Our section was a bit of a way into the article, so I gave them a bit of a run-down on what it was about, and the one girl audibly gasped…we talked about this in BOTH Monday’s and today’s lecture…the article is basically about some of the horrible things that happened at Residential schools…even if you strategically overlook the fact that we’ve been talking about it for two lectures already…did you not KNOW that Residential schools were often really cruel? Then, once she had her paragraph, she stuck it into ChatGPT to get it to summarize it for her….

…I don’t understand…

ALSO, apparently the welcome/intro/housekeeping lecture is testable on our upcoming quiz….why??? I’m offended!

I realized that part of the problem is that I’m not even a grad-student level….I could be a PhD student right now….

….don’t infantilize me by giving me a quiz on the course outline.

Thursday, Oct. 2

Thursdays are the weirdest day….because I usually clean all day, and then I get confused because it’s still the middle of the week. I feel like I do all my stupid school on Tuesday/Wednesday, and then all the other days I work on the bigger projects. This week, it was studying for my physiology exam tomorrow. Next, it will be a quiz on Wednesday and then a paper on Friday.

Then, I’d love to say freeeeeedooooooooom, but apparently I have to keep going…..until….December? April?

Only time will tell.

I’m not handling this term super well. I’m tired. And I’m at the point where little things are making me feel rage-y.

Today’s stupidity? Not from school (because I didn’t have any school). But today, my boss from this weekend asked me about the activation numbers from this weekend. It wasn’t even a blanket ‘how many’ - there were 3 different categories of ‘how many’…which were satisfied with 3 different lies. If you want numbers, you have to tell me in advance so I know what to track. Also, we established on-site that we didn’t know how many flyers were in each box, so how was I even supposed to estimate that?

He also contacted me when I wasn’t available….so he sat until the end of the day for me to get back to him. I am a contractor, and my contract is over - I owe you nothing. And if what I reported was incomplete, this weekend would’ve been the best time to ask me. Or Monday if you realized you forgot. I’m sure by the time I told him my guesses, I was too late…but I don’t really care. It’s not something I know off the top of my head, so I am allowed to take my time for a response. And besides, I was at work, and I don’t exactly take breaks.

Tomorrow’s my last clean before I take a break for a bit. Yay! I’m sure I won’t even notice…but I have work tomorrow, and then Saturday, and then all I have is SCHOOL for 4 DAYS! Well…Dancing with Parkinson’s….and a flight….but still - I’m getting rid of a thing!

Now, I should probably go to bed…I’m still trying to catch up on sleep from this weekend.

Friday, Oct. 3

Wait - what do you mean it’s October? I know I just went over this, but I wrote September again, and October does NOT sound right!!!!

I survived my first physiology test of the term - it feels good to have one out of the way! Next week, I have another one, but it’s for my 1st year course, so I don’t feel that stressed about it. There’s still studying I have to do, but the basic concepts are pretty broad.

It’s fun to do a test sometimes! This one had a lot of ‘which of these 4 statements is right/wrong’, and it feels good to work your way down the list and spot the one that’s right, then rule out the others one-by-one as well. It was also online, so we got our marks super quickly, which was really nice. There were a few questions I don’t totally agree with the way they were asked, but oh well - it’s done! And I got a decent mark (and by decent, I’m in the 90s as per usual), so it’s time to move on with my life!

Today, I also cleaned my friend’s place way out in the west end. As much as it’s annoying to get over there, they have a lovely park across the street, so it has become a tradition to show up early and have a tea in the park…it’s so nice!

I have rediscovered the beauty of walking near trees while listening to classical music.

My only complaint about today was that my butt is stiff for some reason. Maybe tomorrow, I’ll sit on my foam roller or massage ball. I’m not sure if it will help? But I don’t think it would make it worse…

Being old sucks, and I’m not even OLD yet!!!

Saturday, Oct. 4

It’s the weeeeeeekeeeeeeeend! Too bad that doesn’t mean vacation fun times. There is still school…and a bit of work, but thankfully, just a photo booth tonight.

Today was a good day, getting on top of studying for my other test I have next week. It’s a 1st year class, so I’m hoping it won’t be a super hard test? But we’ll find out. It’s weird because it’s a sociology course, but the tests are multiple choice…so I’m not quite sure how they’re going to test. The course asks a lot of questions that would be way more interesting to write about long-form rather than picking out bits of trivia.

Here’s to hoping we don’t have to know who ALL the people are in the course content. That seems to be the most testable element, even though it’s largely irrelevant to retain. Sounds like half of the purpose of York 1st-year courses, though.

Tonight, I had a photo booth, too, and it was nice to have a written project (my literature review) to work on. I had to get up and check on the booth often, so it was kind of useful to have a little project where it was actually helpful to have a lot of little breaks from. I got a bit of a start on fixing my draft, and I’ll work on the rest tomorrow. I finally remembered to copy it and start a fresh new draft so there’s a version history with the other. That’s one thing I’m trying to get used to remembering to do, now that I don’t tend to print thing out midway.

Hopefully I can work through and make the paper a bit less bleh. I tried to work from an outline, and I think I ended up making it too bloated and disjointed. So…not only is it too long, but I need to expand on things (but also get rid of chunks). The getting rid of chunks is what worries me, so that’s why I’ve saved my other draft separately. I think I need to get rid of some of my references, and I don’t want to lose what they were in case they turn out to be useful at a later stage!

I’m so distracted by both this test and this paper - I can’t forget I don’t want to get too far behind on my actual schoolwork this week! I keep thinking this week doesn’t exist for some reason…

Sunday, Oct. 5

Today was a super productive day being able to work through my literature review and do another good segment of review for my 1st year course quiz this week. I love working on a paper. It’s so nerdy, but it is what it is. I only wish I had a couple days to do more really deep work on it, even though it’s not worth it.

I’m still struggling to accept when it’s time to move on from whatever perfection I’m trying to assemble.

It was nice to not have to work today, though. It seems so productive to be able to ignore the clock and just do things. The only thing still missing this term is I haven’t been able to work in proper physio rehab stuff for my calf. I’m overwhelmed, and that’s just one too many things to fit in. I really hate that, though. There are so many reasons why it would be helpful to set aside time for that every few days, and it saddens me that I don’t even have 30 minutes of my own time periodically.

Why is adulting so hard? And busy?

Sometimes I get really grumpy because I just want control over my own life again. My world seems to centre around these things that don’t matter, and I’m not even learning from half the time! What saddens me more is the fact that, other than exercise physiology, this year’s course selection doesn’t build on what I did last year…and last year’s content was way more relevant to me. It saddens me to know that the things I’m having to memorize for these courses that don’t matter are pushing out the other things I learned last year that I actually want to retain. I’m going to lose that knowledge if I don’t use it, and how can I use it when I’m busy making powerpoint presentations explaining why some people don’t exercise?

I get that they’re trying to make well-rounded citizens. But unfortunately, I’m not 18, and a lot of these things are common sense if you’ve been operating as an adult for a while. I really wish I could just go through the content and write a bunch of essays and move on with it. Some of the courses might even be better if I was able to do an upper-year equivalent. There are “higher” versions of this sociology course that are more rooted in long-form discussion and more advanced topics. Why can’t I just take those instead?